When Brandon Hyde decided to put Charlie Morton on the mound in the 8th inning of a two run game I decided I needed to protect my peace and rather than watch Morton grapple with his baseball mortality I opted to open my phone and scroll on TikTok.
While Morton was falling behind 3-0 to Luke Maile I was flipping through various memes related to the idea of who would win in a battle between 100 men and 1 Gorilla. I had seen this debate floating around the internet for the past few days but I hadn’t taken much time to consider it.
As Maile hit an absolute rocket over Camden Yards’ new left field wall I came to the conclusion that 100 men was just too many men for 1 Gorilla to beat in a fight, after all there was a point in time where men and Gorillas were on similar footing technologically and I don’t think they were massacring hundreds of us but the history is written by the victors so maybe the Gorilla dominance of the stone age has been covered up by big humanity.
While Jonathan India hit a single through the left side on the infield I pondered what a more reasonable number of combatants would look like for this to be an entertaining fight and I arrived at the number 30 which is how many MLB teams there are
By the time Bobby Witt doubled in another run the Orioles could no longer hurt me because my mind was in another world. A world where 30 MLB players would be taking on 1 Gorilla as part of All Star Weekend this year.
Here is the scenario I concocted.
While MLB biggest stars are heading to Atlanta this summer each team will also be sending a representative to take on a silverback gorilla.
Here are some of the ground rules:
The players can enter the battle as a hitter, defender/pitcher. Hitters get a bat and batting accessories and defenders/pitchers get a bucket of balls and if you send a catcher they get to wear their catchers gear.
To even the playing field the Gorilla will get to wear custom Gorilla sized catchers gear and they get a Gorilla sized bat.
The Gorilla also gets home court so the players will have to fly out to wherever this Gorilla is based.
As far as who is going, this event is during the all star break so you can’t send an all star but you also can’t just sign someone off the street for the minimum to fight the Gorilla and then cut them so the rule is whoever you send has to have a positive WAR this 2025 season.
For reasons unknown to the general public MLB really needs to win this fight vs the Gorilla so to incentivize teams to send the best players possible there is a bonus pool of cash that will be doled out to each team depending on who they send. The better the player they send, the more money gets added to the team revenue.
Obviously there is an injury concern with fighting a Gorilla and teams wouldn’t want to have their best pitcher hurt his arm hurling fastballs at a Gorilla so teams will have to weigh the benefit of the payout they’ll get for sending a good player with the risks of losing that player for the season.
Here is who I think each team should send
New York Yankees
Ben Rice – Hitter
The Yankees can’t send Aaron Judge because he’ll be busy at the All Star game but Ben Rice has 88th percentile bat speed which will be useful in a fight against a Gorilla
Boston Red Sox
Aroldis Chapman – Pitcher
Chapman might make the all star team but I’m counting on him blowing some timely saves to keep him available for the Gorilla battle. A 104 mph projectile could be the single most impactful weapon against this Gorilla.
Toronto Blue Jays
Tyler Heineman – Defender
Not to be rude but the Blue Jays have 0 intriguing athletes on their roster. In this fight against the Gorilla we need foot speed, bat speed, arm strength and fastball velo and the Blue Jays don’t have anyone that does any of those things (with the exception of Vlad Guererro and maybe Jeff Hoffman but they’ll be at the all star game).
So the other thing we will need in this fight are dudes wearing their catchers gear taking hits and laying down blocks so that’s what Tyler Heineman bring to the table.
Tampa Bay Rays
Chandler Simpson – Hitter
Game changing speed, this Gorilla won’t know what hit it.
Baltimore Orioles
Ramon Laureano – Defender
Laureano’s cannon arm can lay down artillery cover for our boys as they close in on the Gorilla.
Detroit Tigers
Spencer Torkelson – Hitter
Power on power
Kansas City Royals
Hunter Renfroe – Hitter
With Bobby Witt’s speed and power he might have been the ultimate Gorilla fighting machine but he’ll be busy at the all star game so Hunter Renfroe will be bringing his biceps to a Gorilla fight.
Cleveland Guardians
Jhonkensy Noel – Hitter
Bat Speed King!
Minnesota Twins
Jhoan Duran – Pitcher
Another fireballer to put next to Chapman.
Chicago White Sox
Matt Thiass – Defender
Tighten up that catcher helmet Matt you’re going in the trenches
Seattle Mariners
Andres Munoz – Pitcher
Most of the pitchers so far have been relief pitchers and assuming this battle lasts more than an inning we’re going to need a few of these guys.
Texas Rangers
Adolis Garcia – Defender
You Might be tempted to give Garcia his bat but I think he’ll be most useful next to Laureano blasting the Gorilla with long range bombs.
Houston Astros
Cam Smith – Hitter
Great bat speed and Smith has already adapted from the infield to the outfield in one offseason and that kind of willingness to sacrifice and do what the teams asks of him will be key on a team mission like this.
(Redacted) Athletics
Mason Miller – Pitcher
The A’s are the only team willing to risk their franchise player to try to get a big chunk of the bonus money. Scumbags!
Los Angeles Angels
Ben Joyce – Pitcher
Possibly touching 105? Even a Gorilla fitted catching mask isn’t going to soften that blow very easily.
New York Mets
Luis Angel Acuna – Hitter
There were a few options on the Mets but I thought we needed a bit more team speed.
Philadelphia Phillies
Johan Rojas – Defender
With Rojas’ speed and arm strength it could be good to have him move around while raining down fire from above. Could be really confusing for the Gorilla.
Atlanta Braves
Jarred Kelenic – Defender
What better way to make it up to your team that you got thrown out at second than by hurling baseballs at a Gorilla.
Washington Nationals
Nasim Nunez – Defender
Gorillas are strong animals so the more we can wear them out with our speedsters the better.
Miami Marlins
Dane Myers – Defenders
Another crazy long range arm that also has good speed the Gorilla is going to think he’s being attacked by 1,000 players.
Chicago Cubs
Miguel Amaya – Defender
We really can’t have enough guys with chest pads doing the dirty work in this fight. The Catchers are going to play a pivotal role in a victory.
Cincinnati Reds
Jose Trevino – Defender
He won’t be much help if the Gorilla tries to steal second but he can put those pads on and clear the way for the hitter.
St Louis Cardinals
Jordan Walker – Hitter
We probably haven’t don’t have enough bats as it is so Walker’s top tier bat speed is going to play a huge role in taking down this Gorilla.
Milwaukee Brewers
Abner Uribe – Pitcher
He’ll be the baby arm of the pitching group at an average of 98.7 mph but it’ll still help.
Pittsburgh Pirates
O’Neil Cruz – Hitter
Cruz could end up being the MVP of this thing. If he breaks his bat over the Gorillas catchers mask he can pick up a ball and start throwing heat almost on the level of any of the pitchers I’ve selected so far.
Los Angeles Dodgers
Andy Pages – Defender
The Dodgers have so many potential all stars and injured players it’s actually pretty hard to find someone they could send but we did it.
San Diego Padres
Robert Suarez – Pitcher
Tatis has the measurables to be a real impact player in this battle but he’ll be an all star so the Padres are going to send their flame throwing closer.
San Francisco Giants
Tyler Rogers – Pitcher
Imagine what the Gorilla is going to think when he sees Rogers wind up like he does. The hesitation as the Gorilla’s mind tries to comprehend why anyone would do that would give many of our best guys a chance to jump in and attack.
Arizona Diamondbacks
Josh Naylor – Hitter
He’s got that dawg in him.
Colorado Rockies
Brenton Doyle – Defender
A chance for Brenton Doyle to contribute to some winning, he’ll be thrilled.
Strategically here is what I imagined.
You’ll see I have 7 outfielders raining balls down from the sky.
While that happens two groups of hitters protected by catchers approach the Gorilla from opposite directions.
As those two groups arrive at the Gorilla our speedsters dash in from the sides and strike the Gorilla as he has his eyes on our two flanking groups of hitters and catchers.
As the Gorilla spins about trying to keep an eye on all of the baseball players surrounding him, suddenly the pitchers pop up 60 feet and 6 inches away and start firing 100+ mph rockets at him.
It’s not going to be a quick fight, remember that the Gorilla is wearing catchers gear and has a bat so he’s going to be able to withstand a fair amount heaters and he also has a bat so some of our brave major leaguers on the front lines could sustain major injury but as long as our timing is precise we should emerge victorious with minimal casualties.
As I finished this daydream reality came back into focus. The Orioles had lost 11-6, they had fallen to 13-20 dead last in the AL East. My mood sobered as I accepted the reality of the situation and a final thought occurred to me.
Why must we fight this Gorilla? What could a Gorilla possibly have done to deserve to be stalked and attacked by 30 MLB players?
This Gorilla just wanted to live and peace and in my selfish desire to escape from a reality where the Baltimore Orioles were one of the worst teams in the league I had fantasized about his demise at the hands of various MLB role players. Shame on me for mentally antagonizing this Gorilla who had done nothing wrong.
You know who did do something wrong?
Mike Elias when he put this roster together.
The Dishwasher 
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